Archive for March 2000

In Which the Author Goes a Little Funny in the Head

(To set the scene: Dave Eggers, whom we love (although it must be admitted that his celebrity is getting seriously out of hand), invited readers to submit fanciful reviews of his book to Amazon.com. The review below is one I submitted, although it never made it on to Amazon. (Amazon played along for a while, but eventually began rejecting all “creative” reviews.) Which is perhaps a good thing, because I was clearly in a very strange (and possibly not very funny) mood when I wrote it. Nevertheless, I present it here, because I do not like to waste things.)

Yet Another Review That Does Not Contain the Word “Pirates”
Reviewer: Michael Stillwell from Melbourne, Australia

I was 23 years old when I started reading this book and when I finished it I was 23 years old too. It’s just that kind of book. You can read it many, many times and not get any older. Or taller, even. Most books you come across these days make you taller. I hate it when they do that. It’s really sneaky of them, don’t you think? I know I do. But this book, by Mr. Dave Eggers, will not make you taller. That’s why I like this book, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Mr. Dave Eggers. Also, on page 43, there is a description of a Swedish man, who buys a small box of red pencils for his kid sister, that is very moving. The End.

Nine^* Silly Short Stories in the Style of a Familiar Palindrome

(The palindrome is “A man, a plan, a canal–Panama!”.)

1. A pan, three eggs, some ham–Omelette!
2. Ten thousand men, some stone, much time–Pyramid!
3. A man, his wife, an alien sock–Divorce!
4. Three sturdy men, three stocking masks, one scribbled note–Holdup!
5. A wintry night, some lighter fuel, a match, lit–Arson!
6. A pitch, a swing, a goodly thwack–First Base!
7. Two ounces gin, splash vermouth (dry), plump olive (one)–Martini!
8. A G, a B, a D–G Major!
9. A deaded cow, an aproned man, a knife, sharp–Rump Steak!

^* Ten were planned, but the wheels feel off with the score at nine. If you can render assistance, please do.

Readers respond!

• “A student, a deadline, a keyboard, (not too much) time–Essay!” (Lisa Y. Gourd)
• “A man, a gloved hand, some pipe–Enema!” (Michele Humes)