Archive for April 2000

My fantastic Easter weekend

Day 1: Leave home, 7.00am. Drive four hours. Hike up hill for four hours. Camp, exhausted, on cold, barren, exposed spur. Prepare and eat “special pasta”. Fail to finish “special pasta”. Sleep. Awake. Sleep. Awake. Sleep.

Day 2: Awake. Freeze. Eat half-bowl of muesli, conceal rest under rock. Hike half and hour. Stop, realise tent has fallen from pack. Andrew volunteers to return for tent. Hike until 2.00pm. Pitch tent. Lie in sun on sleeping mat. Fail to complete “quick” crossword. (”Quick”? Bastards. Liars.) Prepare and eat “magic tuna ramen”. Sleep. Awake thirsty. Fail to find water in tent in dark and so go without. Sleep. Awake thirsty and cold. Sleep.

Day 3: Awake. Peer outside tent. Frost, everywhere. Find and consume water. Eat breakfast. With day packs, set out for Mt. Bogong. Sustain mild sunburn, cold, runny nose, chapped lips. Legs, feet also sore. Reach peak. Sit down. Discover grass spikier than it looks. Stand up. Inspect stiff breeze and wonder why I decided to leave kite in tent. Inspect stiff breeze and wonder why I decided to leave kite in tent. Eat lunch, make way back to camp. Nearly fall, several times. Reach camp. Make popcorn. Fail, again, to complete “quick” crossword. Prepare and eat “funky rice w/ vegetables”. Sleep. Awake with face pressed against side of tent. Peel wet tent from face. Sleep.

Day 4: Awake. Still cold. Pack up camp. Walk four hours. Nearly tread on snake. Receive assurances that one would “probably not die” if bitten by that particular snake. Reach main road. Leave gear by road and walk seven kilometers up road to cars. Drive cars back down to gear. Load gear in cars. Drive four hours. Reach home, 7.00pm.

Today is my birthday. My mother addressed her card to “My Darling Son Michael Stillwell”; she signed the card “With much love, Elaine” under which she has helpfully written, “mum.”

My father sent me McSweeney’s #4 for said birthday, which was very nice of him. Speaking of McSweeney’s, what do y’all make of the latest goings on? Why is Dave Eggers so bitter? Is it all a joke no-one got?

The other day, in my house, I caught a mouse.

Is there a story behind the choice of *69 as the number that calls the number that just called you? 69 is one hell of a mnemonic for anything to do with—giggle—reciprocation, but I’m guessing that there must have been some pretty entertaining board meetings over this. (“Peters, are you aware that children use the telephone? Children, Peters.”)

There’s both more and less photos of me at ALL IS VANITY. Check out my grandmother! (She: “You want me to stand against that wall??”)

Allow me to make like a weblog for a moment:

Holy FUCK! Check out what’s happened to McSweeney’s! This is terrible! We must do something. Someone needs to round up the well regulated Militia, and fast.

Some questions that have been bothering me:

1. Did the USA give France anything in return for the Statue of Liberty? (Note: Responses that begin “Well, one June day in ‘44 …” will not be accepted.)
2. Are donkeys actually good for anything these days?
3. Should you make a special effort to do your hair nice when going to the hairdresser, even if you just got up and they’re going to mess with it anyway? I mean, will they take more care if they see that you care? Or should I just not care whether they care or not?
4. Should I drop a ridiculous amount of money for a decent digital camera? Especially when the same amount of money would buy an excellent SLR. Alternatively, is it really important that I have a digital camera?

(Wild) tips and predictions:

1. China will probably be a democracy by 2015. At least by 2020. It will be relatively peaceful (as was the case with the U.S.S.R.) and Taiwan will not be involved.
2. “they” will become the accepted gender-neutral third person singular pronoun. “s/he”, “he/she” and “he or she” are too awkward. And there’s no chance of a new word being adopted. English has not adopted any new pronouns or prepositions for centuries. (Meanwhile, those who gratuitously use “she” in places where the sex of the referent has not been established will continue to shit me. I never did assume you were referring to a male; your attempt at mental jujitsu is not appreciated!)
3. The coming decade will be known as “the naughties” if anything at all.
4. The “www.” prefix will disappear from URLs within two years. It shouldn’t really take this long, but people who should know better are dragging their heels.

Music suitable for a Sunday morning:

• Natalie Merchant, Tigerlily or Ophelia.
• Joni Mitchell, Turbulent Indigo.
• The Paradise Motel, Flight Paths.