Three euphamisms for sex, by way of “The Whorish Wife who Vaunted
Her Virtue,” a story from “[1001] Arabian Nights,” translated by Sir
Richard Burton, abridged by me.
The Astronomer’s wife would frequently boast to him, “O man, there
is not amongst womankind my peer in nobility and chastity.” The
Astronomer was proud of his wife’s fidelity, and he would frequently
repeat this boast in public. On one such occasion, one of those
present suggested that the Astronomer test his wife: tell her, the
doubter said, that you are going on a journey of some days’ duration
and ask her for suitable provisions. Then, upon receiving them,
depart as if embarking on a journey, but, after disappearing for a
while, return home and hide oneself in a private place.
The Astronomer went home and did as described. Upon hearing of his
plans to travel his wife cried, “O my lord, Thou art about to desolate
me nor can I on any wise bear parting from thee; and if thou needs
must journey do thou take me with thee.” Now when the man heard these
the words of his wife he said to himself, “By Allah, there cannot be
the fellow of my spouse amongst the sum of womankind,” presently
adding to her, “I shall ward upon thyself and open not my door to
anyone at all.” Quoth she, “O Man, how canst thou quit me? and indeed
I cannot suffer such separation.” Quoth he, “I shall not long be
separated from thee;” and so saying he fared forth from her and
disappeared for the space of an hour, after which he returned home
softly walking and hid himself in a place where none could see
him.
Now after the space of two hours behold, a Costermonger came into
the house and she met him and salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou
brought for me?” “Two lengths of sugar-cane,” said he … Then he
asked her, “Whither is thy husband gone?” and she answered, “On a
journey: may Allah never bring him back nor write his name among the
saved and our Lord deliver me from his as soon as possible!” After
this she embraced him and he embraced her and she kissed him and
he kissed her and enjoyed her favours till such time as he had his
will of her; after which he went his ways.
When an hour had passed a Poulterer came to the house, whereupon
she arose and salam’d to him and said, “What hast though brought me?”
He answered, “A pair of pigeon-poults” … Then the man went up to the
woman and he embraced her and she embraced him and he tumbled her
and she tumbled him; after which he had his will of her and
presently he went off about his own business.
When two hours or so had gone by there came to her another man
which was a Gardener; so she arose and met him with a meeting still
fairer than the first two and asked him, “What has though brought with
thee?” “A somewhat of pomegranates,” answered he; so she took them
from him and led him to a secret place where she left him and changed
her dress and adorned herself and perfumed herself and kohl’d her
eyes. After that she returned to the pomegranate-man and fell
a-toying with him and he toyed with her and she hugged him and he
hugged her and at last he rogered and had his wicked will of
her and went his ways.”
The Astronomer revealed himself to his whorish wife and told her
that he had seen all. “O Whore! O Fornicatress, O Adulteress. How
durst thou say to me, ‘There is not amongst womankind my better in
nobility and purity?’ and this day I have beheld with my own eyes what
thy chastity may be. So do thou take thy belongings and go forth from
me and be off with thyself and thine own folk.”
And so saying he divorced her with the triple divorce and thrust
her forth the house.
