# Three Euphemisms for Sex

Three euphamisms for sex, by way of “The Whorish Wife who Vaunted Her
Virtue,” a story from “[1001] Arabian Nights,” translated by Sir Richard
Burton, abridged by me.

The Astronomer’s wife would frequently boast to him, “O man, there is
not amongst womankind my peer in nobility and chastity.” The Astronomer
was proud of his wife’s fidelity, and he would frequently repeat this
boast in public. On one such occasion, one of those present suggested
that the Astronomer test his wife: tell her, the doubter said, that you
are going on a journey of some days’ duration and ask her for suitable
provisions. Then, upon receiving them, depart as if embarking on a
journey, but, after disappearing for a while, return home and hide
oneself in a private place.

The Astronomer went home and did as described. Upon hearing of his plans
to travel his wife cried, “O my lord, Thou art about to desolate me nor
can I on any wise bear parting from thee; and if thou needs must journey
do thou take me with thee.” Now when the man heard these the words of
his wife he said to himself, “By Allah, there cannot be the fellow of my
spouse amongst the sum of womankind,” presently adding to her, “I shall
ward upon thyself and open not my door to anyone at all.” Quoth she, “O
Man, how canst thou quit me? and indeed I cannot suffer such
separation.” Quoth he, “I shall not long be separated from thee;” and so
saying he fared forth from her and disappeared for the space of an hour,
after which he returned home softly walking and hid himself in a place
where none could see him.

Now after the space of two hours behold, a Costermonger came into the
house and she met him and salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou
brought for me?” “Two lengths of sugar-cane,” said he … Then he asked
her, “Whither is thy husband gone?” and she answered, “On a journey: may
Allah never bring him back nor write his name among the saved and our
Lord deliver me from his as soon as possible!” After this **she embraced
him and he embraced her and she kissed him and he kissed her and enjoyed
her favours till such time as he had his will of her**; after which he
went his ways.

When an hour had passed a Poulterer came to the house, whereupon she
arose and salam’d to him and said, “What hast though brought me?” He
answered, “A pair of pigeon-poults” … Then the man went up to the woman
and **he embraced her and she embraced him and he tumbled her and she
tumbled him; after which he had his will of her** and presently he went
off about his own business.

When two hours or so had gone by there came to her another man which was
a Gardener; so she arose and met him with a meeting still fairer than
the first two and asked him, “What has though brought with thee?” “A
somewhat of pomegranates,” answered he; so she took them from him and
led him to a secret place where she left him and changed her dress and
adorned herself and perfumed herself and kohl’d her eyes. After that she
returned to the pomegranate-man and **fell a-toying with him and he
toyed with her and she hugged him and he hugged her and at last he
rogered and had his wicked will of her** and went his ways."

The Astronomer revealed himself to his whorish wife and told her that he
had seen all. “O Whore! O Fornicatress, O Adulteress. How durst thou say
to me, ‘There is not amongst womankind my better in nobility and
purity?’ and this day I have beheld with my own eyes what thy chastity
may be. So do thou take thy belongings and go forth from me and be off
with thyself and thine own folk.”

And so saying he divorced her with the triple divorce and thrust her
forth the house.