# Boxing Day Message

Why are so many fuckers are updating their WEB PAGES and SENDING EMAIL
on CHRISTMAS DAY? You can’t have all got NEW COMPUTERS.

I’m chomping down on some boiled lollies from Suga, that shop at
Chadstone that makes candy in the store, in front of customers, on a
very big hot-plate. This sometimes produces odd smells, especially if
anything black was involved, but it always draws big crowds.

I got the lollies from my little cousins. They bought off-cuts, so about
half the lollies have “BRETT LOVES SARAH” stamped on them. For Christmas
I also got a cookbook, an Ali G book, the game Twister, and some other
bits and pieces.

Hey, did you know that “Whiskas Kitten” comes in three varieties? A
“with Chicken”, a “with Beef”, and an “with Lamb & Pumpkin”? Here are
the first few ingredients of each (in Australia ingredients are listed
in order of decreasing weight):

> with Beef ingredients:\
> Chicken, beef, lamb and pork; gelling agents …
>
> with Lamb & Pumpkin ingredients:\
> Chicken, beef, lamb, pumpkin and pork; gelling agents …
>
> with Chicken ingredients:\
> Chicken, beef, lamb and pork; gelling agents …

(Trev alerted me to this.)

I tried taking pictures of the box on the shelf but … have you ever
tried taking pictures in a supermarket? I only managed to take one
before some store manager (plus a second) bore down on me from the fruit
and vegetables department. “No photographs allowed,” they said. “Why?” I
said. “Obviously not our decision”–this was said not apologetically–“but
edict of the head office.” It wasn’t very expensive so I bought the box,
but then forgot to take photographs of it before lending the camera to
my father.

---

Quick: read the first few paragraphs of [this story on Oliver
Sacks](http://www.theage.com.au/news/state/2001/12/09/FFX34V9UWUC.html).
Was this written by an Australian?

No, it wasn’t. And most of the time I can tell, because Australians
can’t write like this.

I don’t think this piece is even terribly well-written. The first
sentence–“Oliver Sacks wants to show me his scars”–is a crashingly
unsubtle lead. A lead is supposed to tease, but only gently. The perfect
lead should leave the reader thinking that their desire to read on is
the result of a genuine (and very much abiding) interest in the subject
at hand. But this lead appeals to a baser desire: it promises to reveal
why a gentleman neurologist sports scars.

Some florid paragraphs follow. Still, they show confidence (“But he will
have none of that.”) and command (“Prosperous and respectable at
68…”)–two attributes usually missing from Australian journalism.

For the most part, Australians have neither high standards nor high
aspirations.