My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. The baby’s almost two. My wife says that the baby wants the dog.
— “Chablis”, Donald Barthelme
The government has decided to award the genius a few new medals–medals he has not been previously awarded. One medal is awarded for his work prior to 1956, one for his work from 1956 to the present, and one for his future work.
— “The Genius”, Donald Barthelme
Q: Do you see what she’s doing?
A: Removing her blouse.
Q: How does she look?
A: … Self-absorbed.
Q: Are you bored with the question-and-answer form?
A: I am bored with it but I realize that it permits many valuable
omissions: what kind of day it is, what I’m wearing, what I’m
thinking. That’s a very considerable advantage, I would say.
Q: I believe in it.
— “The Explanation”, Donald Barthelme
Then you get Mo-net and Ma-net, that a little tricky, Mo-net was the one did all the water lilies and shit, his colours were blues and greens, Ma-net was the one did Bareass on the Grass and shit, his colors were browns and greens. Then you get Bonnard, he did all the interiors and shit, amazing light, and then you get Van Guk, he’s the one with the ear and shit, and Say-zanne, he’s the one with the apples and shit, you get Kandinsky, a bad mother, all them pick-up-sticks pictures, you get my man Mondrian, he’s the one with the rectangles and shit, his colors were red yellow and blue, you get Moholy-Nagy, he did all the plastic thingummies and shit, you get Mar-cel Duchamp, he’s the devil in human form. …
— “Visitors”, Donald Barthelme
The two things I remember best about the whole episode are the grateful look Colby gave me when I said what I said about the wire, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again.
— “Some of us had been threatening our friend Colby”, Donald Barthelme