George Sanders, from “Four Institutional Monologues” in McSweeney’s #4.
We in Knuckles herebuy request that those of you in Sorting refran from calling the Fat Scrap Box the Pizza Hut Box and refran from calling the Bone Scrap Box the Marshmallow Box and refran from calling the Misc. Scrap Box the Dog Food Box because we think that is insulting to our work and workplace in terms of why do you have to make fun of what we all of us do for a living as if it is shameful.
Even though it is true that some of our offal might get used for pizza topping and mashmallows and dog food we do not like it when you are saying those names is a sarcasmic voice. Because new hires can be infected by these attitudes which are so negative and soon they will not be working their best but only laughing at your smartass dumb jokes, so in the future use the correct names (Fat Scrap and Bone Scrap and Misc. Scrap) for these boxes if you feel like you have to talk at all while working although also we in Knuckles suggest you just shut up and just work.
For example when one of us in Knuckles throws a Knuckle but it misses the belt you do not have to call it a “skidder” or act like you are a announcer on a basketball show by saying whoa he missed the hole. And also you dont have to say Ouch whenever one of our throwed Knuckles goes too far and hits the wall, it is not like the Knuckle could feel that and say Ow, because it is dead dumbass, it cannot feel its leg part hitting the wall, so we know you are being sarcasmic. And we dont think this is funny because when we miss the belt or hit the wall what do we have to do is we have to put down our knives and go get it which takes time. And we are already tired without that extra walking. Because what we do takes real muscle and you can easily see us if you look huffing and breething hard all day in the cold inside air, whereas you, although it is true you are all hunched over, we never see you breething hard and you dont even work with knives and so never accidentally cut your friend.
Which is why we think you have so much energy for yelling your “funny” taunts that you say at us and have so much energy for making up dumb names of your Belts. So to summarize we do not appreciate all the sarcasmic things that are daily said by you in Sorting in your snotty voices, as it is not something to be ashamed about, people need meat and people like meat, it is good honest work you should be glad you got it, so straighten up and fly right, in other words fucken shut up while working and just do you work silencly and try to appreciate the blessing god give you, like your job of work, it could be worse and is worse for many people who have no work.
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