Area Man Finally Finds Time to Update Webpage

13 December 1999

Area Man Finally Finds Time to Update Webpage

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA–After several days of inactivity, long-time net res­i­dent Michael Stillwell, 23, finally added more content to his site a little after 9pm last night.

“It had been, like, three days without an update and shit,” Still­well said, soon after he un­veiled the new material. “I’ve been really busy with other things, but, yeah, I know that’s really no excuse. I just hope no-one’s deleted me from their book­marks yet.”

This, it transpires, is one of Stillwell’s great­est fears. Though his site is rel­a­tively small, he be­lieves it has “upwards of ten” fans. “These people, they’re going to, like, remove my site from their book­marks if I don’t produce quality new ma­te­r­ial every couple of days. It’s a really fucked up situation.”

“There’s this con­stant pres­sure to stay up-vibe and interesting, to say funny things,” he complained. “It’s causing me all kinds of grief and shit.”

Ac­cord­ing to Pro­fes­sor Helen Pargeter, an expert in internet-related stress disorders, this kind of stress is a rel­a­tively common phenomenon. “Many people con­sider the pop­u­lar­ity of their web­sites to be a measure of their self-worth. The more hits they get, the better they feel about themselves. Unfortunately, it is those whose sites have little or no traffic to speak of who are the most sus­cep­ti­ble to this malady.”